fights problems with bigger problems...

So I leave for Israel tomorrow. And I have done a poor job at maintaining the blog while I've been home. I guess my life seems not so exciting in cold and snowy MN.
This time that I've been home has been good for me. I am exhausted from talking about Ghana all the time. I feel like I've created a monologue that I repeat everytime someone asks me about it. Its cool though because when I do talk about it, I feel like I am getting more in touch with the experience I had, and the impact it has made on my life and my character.
Being home is like...I just can't explain it. Its like when you're away, time doesn't touch this place. I always thought of Edina as a bubble (even though I don't even technically live in Edina anymore), but this is unbelievable. People change, but things just don't change. They remain constant until you are willing to deal with them, and I'm sorry to recognize the fact that lately I just don't feel like dealing with anything.
Its not that I feel like I have a better understanding of life and where I stand in it, because I am just as confused as the next college freshman, but coming back seeing all the old fights, flames and friendships carrying on without change, without progress without movement frustrates me. And I am in no way above all of it. Infact I consider myself to be in the middle of a lot of things I was convinced I left behind.
And it makes me ill.
I have also begun to understand the concept of actually having friends that are bound to you more than by just history alone. My frienship with Eli was so fufilling and so purposeful that I suddenly have this need to connect with friends that I have never had before. I know I have created a few friendships that are "forever" in my mind, but there are some that lack luster, understanding, vibrancy. They stood the test of time and are therefor forced to do it long after the friendship is withered. Its time that binds us, and I guess in the long run, its going to be time that releases us.
I am looking so much forward to getting on with this year, and removing myself again from this place which, I undoubtedly love, but just feel suffocated by. Its like you aren't allowed to grow because everyone and everything expects you to stay the same. Even if you were a pain in the ass *cough* they don't want change. They want comfortable.
My reference to "they" does not mean I leave myself out of these observations.
So we treat each other both admirably and terribly with comforting smiles and harsh words and expect the same results. The only problem is, is that I don't want to give the same results. I don't want to expect the same results. I want change, progress, movement. I have felt in myself change, progess and movement yet I am not encouraged to display it.
And I'm sure everyone feels suffocated. And we do it to ourselves.

This post may or may not be linked directly to the fact that I have been litsening to a ridiculous amount of Elliott Smith lately. Not exactly a bucket of sunshine.

Felt a wave, a rush of blood
You won't be happy 'til the bottle's broken
You're out swimming in the flood
You kept back, you kept unspoken